the one with all the crying.

Hey friends,

It’s about time that I finally crawl out from under my rock and let you know I’m still alive.  I’ve been MIA for the past two weeks and with reason.  Last time we chatted I was talking about how I’m adjusting to work and living on my own and being an adult.  I said it wasn’t easy, but I was handling it.  Well, the past few weeks, I haven’t been handling it at all.  A combination of loneliness, confusion, stress and anxiety led to an unpleasant breakdown on Monday.  Monday was a breaking point for me when I kind of realized that I can’t keep going at the rate that I have been.  I wasn’t acknowledging what the stress was doing to me, how unhappy I’d been, and how I was letting work control my personal life, only two weeks in.   Everything kind of hit me at once, hence the aptly named title to this post.  But after a handful of heavy conversations with some important people this week, I’m doing better.  I’m in a better mindset and I’m starting to handle everything a little better.

One of the big changes I’m dealing with right now is living alone for the first time.  It’s weird, because it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.  I like having my own space that I can do whatever I want with.  I like not having to clean up after people other than myself.  And I just enjoy getting privacy from time to time.  But, it gets lonely pretty fast.  First, it doesn’t help that I live in Verona.  It also doesn’t help that it’s winter.  I never go outside unless I’m going to the store.  I don’t want to work out.  It seems like a lot of effort to drive into Madison to do things.  So that’s an adjustment.  It also sucks to not have another person to do things with.  I miss coming home from class and having someone to run to Target with; or show off my latest online purchase; work out with; or watch Pitch Perfect with.  It’s those little things that add up.

On the plus side, I do see Kast on a weekly basis.  It’s not as nice as seeing him everyday like I did this summer when I lived with him, but I’ll take it.  Last week we had a Buffalo Wild Wings date on Saturday (pretty much so I could get out of my apartment…and because I needed wings).  On Sunday, he came over for the Grammy’s with his friends Miyad and Durim.  This was the first time I had people over to entertain.  Prior to that, I’ve had people trickle in to see the place and maybe help me hang some stuff up (Thanks again, Kast and Miyad).  I’m not one to be the best entertainer, but I tried to mimic the best host I know, my sister Steph.  I used her BBQ Chicken Calzone recipe and it was a total hit.  I even played some mood music [Lorde], which was quite fitting considering she won ALL OF THE GRAMMY’S.  And the boys brought over apple pie, so it was wins all around.

In other coping news, I’d been buying away my sorrows for a few days there.  Online shopping in January is dangerous since everybody is having a whole house sale with tons of markdowns.  I didn’t do too much damage, but did make it out with a pair of black skinnies from J.Crew, a spiked ring from BCBGeneration, and burgundy cords and two popovers from Lands’ End.  Don’t worry, Mom and Dad – everything was super on sale. :) And they really did their job; the J.Crew jeans did make me feel better.

I think what is most important for me right now is to find things to look forward to.  The mundane routine of getting up at 6, going to work, leaving work when it’s already dark, not getting home until after 7 and going to bed a few hours later [repeat] has been taking its toll.  Things started to feel more and more depressing; like this is what my life is like now.  I don’t know when I’ll visit my parents or sisters again.  I don’t know when I’ll see my college friends again.  I don’t have plans – that’s the problem.  Since I’m finally getting a steady income, I decided I have nothing standing in my way of making some plans to keep myself happy/sane. I’ve been talking about it for awhile, but I decided I’m definitely going to visit Abby and Sam in California this summer.  Mallory also wants to visit Sam, so we’re just going to go at the same time.  It probably won’t be until July, but just planning it is getting me excited and giving me something to look forward to.  I also want to do a few races in the next year.  I’ve never even done a 5K before.  Sad, I know, but it’s on my bucket list and it’s a good excuse to start working out again.  Mallory and I are looking at some over the summer that in are the Madison area.  I think it would be fun to do an electric run or a color run.  I just want to have things to keep me accountable.

Navigating this grown-up thing sucks, for lack of a better word.  It’s funny, talking to my other friends who have recently graduated and are going through similar things, feels like such a relief every week.  Knowing that other people are just as lost as you, cry as much as you, and are going through the same things makes you feel less alone.  And we’ve all agreed – no one prepared us for this.

Here’s a look at the past two weeks in pictures:

Catching up with Emily and Brianna. (Ignore the fact that Brianna looks like a pixelated monster).

Catching up with Emily and Brianna. (Ignore the fact that Brianna looks like a pixelated monster).

A lazy Sunday.

A lazy Sunday.

Jamie Lono (from The Voice) and I are Facebook friends and he just followed me on Twitter...now remind me why we're not dating yet?

Jamie Lono (from The Voice) and I are Facebook friends and he just followed me on Twitter…now remind me why we’re not dating yet?

New LE gear and J.Crew catalog.

New LE gear and J.Crew catalog.

Gorg new BCBGeneration ring.

Gorg new BCBGeneration ring.

And here’s a sneak peek at my upcoming beauty review!

photo 1

Thanks for all of the support.

Until next time –

xo,

kaylee.

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3 thoughts on “the one with all the crying.

  1. Sounds like a rough time and I know exactly how you feel!

    So many times i’ve found myself getting down and depressed, just seeming like i’m working at the day job (that I hate) and nothing else. But it always just takes something, like planning a trip, a great project or future plans for The Penguin Theory, and then I feel upbeat again!

    I now try to make sure that i’m always planning for something, even the smallest thing like making a new tie, or going for coffee with someone, just to give me that motivation to not give up and feel like i’m in a rut. Because that’s just what it is, you feel like you’re not going anywhere, even if you do have a job you enjoy.

    I hope you make lots of fun plans and that things get easier from now on!

  2. Hang in there! I had my first day at my first “real job” in 7 years today. It wasn’t much fun – working sucks. Yes, I think it will take some getting used to. Just take it easy and don’t feel too guilty about a bit of retail therapy. :D

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